Florida Pastoral

The tissue papers that go on the toilet as protective coverings are designed to be used with the flap on the front, not in the rear. This is to prevent every man’s worst unspoken fear: that his penis will touch the same porcelain that every other man’s has since that toilet’s installation.

It isn’t even just an issue of hygiene. Toilets are cold. Protect yourself, men.

I set my cruise control halfway between 82 and 83 just to fuck with people I suspect might be normalizing their speedometers against mine. I’m not interested in your interest in how fast I’m going. So enjoy trying to match my non-integral speed.

While driving to work still somewhat hung over and generally unhappy, someone cut me off, nearly killing a pedestrian in the process. This outraged me beyond compare. I shouted the first words which came to my tongue. They were

Goddammit, you fool. THIS IS WHY I HAVE MY DOUBTS ABOUT SOCIAL MOBILITY

I spent the rest of my drive wondering what it was that inspired these words, and whether I should feel horribly for saying them, or if it’s as acceptable as yelling anything else at them. Hard to say. Perhaps it was just the Fridayness of the whole situation

Baloo and Bagheera were a couple.

I mean, it only seems right: a ‘bear’ ends up with a ‘chaser,’ eh? And they even adopt a stray as a pet together, but end up bringing it back to the pound, so to speak, because, due to how unnatural it is for them to be together, they’re unfit parents and cant give it the love it needs and could get from a mother and father in man-village.

Oh, and baloo is heartbroken over Mogli’s choice to follow a GIRL… of course he would be.

And one more thing: they were both black, too, so they ‘kept it on the down low.’