Recently, I tried to buy a Christmas gift for one of my nieces. While standing in the toy store, it became apparent that I have no idea how little girls play. Not understanding “the pink aisles” as I call them is a condition from which every man eventually realizes he suffers. It seems this carries over into not understanding women, either.
Also, why are toys like Strawberry Shortcake Dolls scented? Is it acceptable to let our children sniff things for fun?
I’ve been working on writing some Christmas songs lately that I think the world would like to hear.
First, and foremost, is my modernization of a song about a child’s desire to be like everyone else by the time he has to see family and friends on Christmas. He wants his front teeth - quite understandable.
My version is updated slightly for this youth as he enters adulthood. It comes at a time in his life when he’s going home for Christmas and leaving his friends, particularly his girlfriend, to do the same. As he comes of age and has begun to realize the stressors of the season, he realizes one is stressing him more than the others. He laments
All I want for Christmas is my girl to bleed.
My second musical realization was that there is no rap portraying Santa as the lyricist. No one even raps about Christmas.
It’s funny how people who are infinitely better at shopping online are infinitely better at masturbating than real interactions, too.
The fact that I can’t handle the holidays at all is astounding. It isn’t that it’s just me, it’s everyone around me, too. We always hear about seasonal depression, and people who just can’t hack it during the winter and the likes. This is a big deal.
You see, the ‘Holidays’ are the days you Do Not Do Things, the days you avoid the things you’re made to do in favor of the things you want to do. If those are worse than the days we’re doing the things we do, then you would hope that’s because we moderately enjoy everyday days.
But imagine if you actually Really enjoyed your everyday days? Then how much sweeter must be your holidays.
“If war breaks out, it will lead to nuclear warfare and not be limited to the Korean Peninsula.”
Love, North Korea.
I just dont want to know what time i’m going to take a shit tomorrow.
The word “FICA” has been filtered from the search because Google SafeSearch is active.
Thank you, Google, for keeping me from reading about my taxes.
You need to be the Savior. The splendid one.
You know where candidate comes from? Togas candides were togas that Roman senators bleached as white as chalk could be.
What I take from this is that since to lead you must first be a candidate, to lead you must base your status upon the things you possess that resemble a leader, not your actual traits or qualities. Your true colors do not matter; the facade you bleach for yourself is everything.
Hey. I need to run an idea past you sometime - maybe when you’re back. Remind me about ‘the book with pi and ELS’. We could retire off this.
“I can tell whenever someone’s on their period just by observing them. I can’t say how, they’re just completely different. It’s a chemical thing. I’m fairly positive I can taste or smell their pheromones, though maybe I just notice that they’re acting abnormally.”
